Thursday, August 07, 2008

Ten Things You Never Want To Hear Said As A Pastor

1) "Oh I wouldn't call that sermon boring..... long-winded and pompous, maybe, but never boring."

2) "We, as the Finance Committee, can sum up our long-term strategy for financial planning in one sentence: "Put it all on 'red'".

3) "This part of the service is sponsored by the Ohio Lottery, who ask you to take a chance on education."

4) Um, this is the fire department. We need to talk to you about your youth group's bonfire tonight...."

5) "Yeah I'm a long-time member. When did you become senior pastor?"

6) "This part of the service is sponsored by Butterworth and Son Attorneys At-Law, specialist in divorce, foreclosure, bankruptcy, and personal injury. If you've ever suffered a neck or back injury during an exceptionally long sermon, we want to hear from you."

7) "I really like the new waterfall in the sanctuary."

8) "No. No. No. Not our pants! I said we were going to remove all our PLANTS outside the main entrance."

9) "Please accept this gift of a one-way ticket to Dust Falls, New Mexico, as our congregation's way of showing how much we appreciate your leadership."

10) "What's that smell coming out of the nursery?"


The Thief said...

As for #5... at NK this spring, shortly before I moved, I was approached by someone who told me he was a member of the church - then he asked me, "Are you the new pastor?"

Never mind that I'd been there three years. Never mind that I was moving...

Aaron said...

"Pastor ... do you believe that when St. John saw locusts in Revelation he was really tryin' to describe black helicopters coming from Iraq?"

Anonymous said...

Will try to make sure number 4 doesn't become a reality for you!

The Thief said...

How about this (actually from a pastor): This is a teaching sermon, so it's going to be boring.

Yes, I actually heard this said.

And as for #10, I remember the wife of the same pastor as above depositing her granddaughter's used diaper in the trash can in the office... immediately outside my office door. I still shudder at the memory.