Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ten Pearls of Wisdom That I Have Paid For ,In Full

1) "If your daughter is 13, there's nothing you can do about it OR Denial ain't just a river in Egypt"
Was reminded of this story by a friend of mine, George, who I worked with at Rax way, way back in high school. At the time the mascot on the Rax kid's meal box was a character named "Uncle Alligator". Sometimes George or I, for a birthday party or whatever, would be asked to put an "Uncle Al" costume on and mingle with a bunch of little kids. But after doing this a couple of years, they got rid of the original costume (which was like wearing a carpet), and replaced it with one that involved wearing a pair of tights.

(Ahem)

So, I put on the tights and rest of the costume, go out into the dining room, and there waiting for me were ten 13 year-old girls. Apparently the parents of the birthday girl were in some form of denial regarding their daughter blossoming into a young woman, and decided that an "Uncle Al" party would be a good way of convincing themselves that she was actually only 6.

Immediately girls at table begin giggling and making googly eyes at the high school guy in tights. Two tried to give me their phone numbers, and one pinched my butt and told me, "Hey Uncle Al... nice tail."

Great call, mom and dad. Great call.

2) "Hell hath no fury like a hungover rodeo clown"
All I can say is this... if you are standing in a continental breakfast buffet line at Holiday Inn Express somewhere in Wyoming, and there's one last box of Fruit Loops, let the clown have it. Trust me.

3) "Don't be fooled - the lawn on the corner lot is a lot bigger than it looks"
Probably should have passed this nugget along to Brother Esq before he bought this latest house. Just remember Brother, mowing your lawn will be just like walking a golf course... only without the clubs and the fun.

4) "If the speedometer on the Mercedes says 125, you're going 125"
We never owned a Mercedes when I was a kid. As a matter of fact, until I was 16 my father had only owned one car during my lifetime: A 1971 Buick Skylark. Thus, after visiting Miami's campus as a prospective student, my future wife offered to let me drive her and a friend back in her dad's Mercedes, how was I supposed to know they build those things to go 160 on the Autobaun? 125 in a Mercedes feels about the same as 70 in a Buick. Thank goodness the State Highway Patrol was busy that day. It took us about 80 minutes to make a trip that usually took 2.5 hours.

5) If your pants are loose, wear a belt.
Either that or after getting off the school bus, your crushed orange corduroy pants will end up around your ankles as you run down a hill and you end up in your underwear in front of all your friends, male and female. Speaking of which, if crushed orange corduroy pants ever make a comeback, you can have my pair.

6) Better keep Mr. Happy covered while you are changing your son's diaper.
Here's a freebie to Brother Esq since I didn't let him in on the whole corner lot thing. Since he has to wear a suit and tie every day as a professional shyster (I go mostly with "motorcycle casual"... gotta love being the senior pastor of the "Blessing of the Bikes" church), one extra little washcloth placed strategically could save him hundreds in dry-cleaning bills. Feel free to use the extra cash you save this Christmas to get your only brother some golf balls. Mine are all on the bottom of various ponds.

7) Coaching a basketball team made up of kindergardeners will either kill you are make you stronger.
In a season where various players would leave the floor in the middle of a game to a) say "hi" to mom, b) ask for a snack, and c) get a "high 5" from costumed teenager serving as the league mascot (Uppy the Puppy), probably the moment that epitomized the season actually occurred outside of a game or practice. One day when I was kicking around my office, I decided to head back to the soda machine to get a little liquid caffeine to get me through the rest of the day. To get there, I had to walk through the Centrum, which is our "Sanctanarium": we worship in the room on Sunday, and play basketball in there the other days of the week.

As I'm walking through the Centrum, I see two brothers going at one another head to head on the basketball floor. One is obviously bigger and more experienced than the other, but the little brother is holding his own. He played tough D, stole the ball once or twice, and drove hard for lay-ups.

"Hmmmmm... that kid seems familiar. Where do I know him?"

Ah yes, he's been the most totally disinterested kid on my team. His poor dad has been dragging him kicking and screaming each week because we only have six players because the league organizers apparently thought we needed four fewer kids than every other team. Next game I ask him to pretend like every guy he's playing against is his brother. He's plays like an all-star, and promptly the season ends.

I will now light myself on fire.

8) The redder the kimchi , the hotter it's going to be.
If you're ever in South Korea, you'll thank me. Also, it doesn't taste like chicken.

9) If you take a really long time to line up and hit a golf ball you most likely won't improve the results of the swing, and you'll drive everyone else nuts.
God bless my sainted Grandfather. I wish he had lived to see the day when I just walked up, swung, and hit the ball. I can still the vein popping out of his temple after my 28th practice swing. I can't say he'd be proud (cause I'm still awful), but at least his blood pressure would be lower.

10) Mo' money, mo' problems.
Wait, that was Biggie's, not mine.

10) You can't always get what you want.
Oops. That's the Rolling Stones.

10) The love you take, is equal to the love you make.
Rats! That's the Beatles

10) No parking on the dance floor (beep beep)
I think Midnight Star stole that one from me.

10) If the child says their stomach hurts, pull over, NOW!
Now that's good advice!

We're off to the boy's swim meet. Go Sharks! Whip the Wave!


6 comments:

eriklody20 said...

I haven't even thought of Rax in like 15 years. But I somehow remember the chocolate chip cookies.

Travis Miner said...

I always thought you WERE Biggie. No all of my illusions have been shattered. What's next, are you going to tell me there's no Santa Claus?

Now, if you will excuse me, I suddenly have a craving for a BBC.

Aaron said...

There's just something amazingly attractive and powerful about a Gator. That was a lesson well learned!

Of course ... maybe it was just the tights.

BTW, it says a lot about me that for a very long time I thought "BBC" only stood for the Beef, Bacon, and Cheddar sandwich at Rax (man, that was a tasty sandwich ... and healthy too!)

Anonymous said...

Hey, don't knock Rax -- it kept the "Brown Burrito" on the road. Man, a brown Ford Tempo....I mean, wow.

Jay said...

That '71 Skylark rocked! I remember it well!

bryan said...

The Goose rocked! Does your dad still own it?